I was only 22 then, when I fell in love with him. He was right after a breakup. I used to be his friend but then after all he started getting closer to me and I didn't stop it. He used to say how much he loved that girl even when we were dating. His parents loved me so much. So, I thought it was normal for him to compare me with his ex. As time went by he began to hurt me more and more. He would say, ‘oh Sayu you don’t look beautiful like her’, ‘oh Sayu you just look like a grandmother’ ‘oh Sayu you never arouse my feelings’… these were just a few. But YES! I thought it was ok for him to say so.
As months went by his ex got married, but they never stopped keeping in touch. She used to call me sometimes and say that he loved her and not me. He was madly in love with her; that’s what she said, and I may have believed it. I was so helpless that I asked God to help me get him; to make him understand that I love him so much. That’s all that I did. No matter how many times he hurt me, I thought it was ok. I thought it was normal for a girl to sacrifice her happiness for the sake of love. He continued to betray me over and over, yet I forgave him bacause I loved him so much. I didn’t think of a world apart from him. He was all that I wanted.
So we planned our wedding. It was to be held on my birthday. I was so excited for the big day. I bought necessities for our house, paid the advances for the wedding decor, bridal and sarees...basically, everything. But on his part, he never stopped hurting me. He always wanted me to become thin and sexy as his ex. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t. He compared me to the level that I started hating my own self. I wanted to remove my skin. I starved so much thinking that I will lose weight. I applied many creams and lotions so that I will become fairer. I took so much of effort in getting dressed up when I went to see him, but not once did he ever compliment me. He would say things like ‘Aiyo what have you worn today? That colour doesn’t look good on you’ or he would say ‘oh you look FAT’. Which made me feel really upset. However much he hurt me verbally, I would still forgive him and love him more… All I thought was that it’s okay for me to get hurt.
We wanted to have the wedding in May and it was now the December before. Everything was sorted. Hotels were confirmed and booked as well. However, one evening I casually asked him ‘hey hasn’t your ex called you recently?' My gut said that she did but his reply was no. I was not sure anyway. Therefore, I called her to confirm. Her reply was ‘your boyfriend is disturbing me so much. He says that he needs to meet me. He is always calling me. Please ask him not to’. I smiled, said sorry and cut the line. I called him back, asked him why he lied to which he said ‘our marriage is over, you can be with anyone you want, I will let go of you’. I was in complete shock, but I had to move away.
This was when I developed depression. I began to feel so sad all the time and knew that nothing was ok with me. I felt like I was becoming suicidal as I didn’t want to live anymore. All my dreams were shattered into pieces. I was supposed to start a new life as a bride, it was all over now. I felt empty inside. I wanted to run; run far away and never return. I wanted to drink piriton and sleep. I wanted to move away from everything I built for myself and from everyone I knew. I had trouble falling asleep and therefore started taking about 7 to 8 piritons to sleep. I wanted a deep sleep where I would never wake up and come back to reality. I didn’t want to face anyone. I was so scared for the day and I hated him so much for destroying my dreams. I hated him for lying and betraying me while all I ever did was love him honestly. I hated him for killing me alive, killing my soul. My soul now was empty and I didn’t know what to do with my life. I didn’t know what I should be doing next, where to turn to; everything seemed so worthless. I was worried of what people would say. I was sad. I was losing my sanity. My head…I felt It was full. It was about to explode!
I was lucky though at this point, my friend who understood that I wasn’t okay reached out to me and decided to send me for counselling. The best decision I have taken in my life is to follow his advice. My counsellor; the best I would say, helped me get out of the hole I was in. I was under her supervision for weeks, as I was suicidal but I always made it a point to attend my counselling sessions no matter how tough it got. Gradually I was getting better and I was healed. Through my recovery process I understood that it is not okay for anyone to hurt you. I began to appreciate who I am and love the way I look. I felt I was beautiful and worthy. I began to realize that life is a lot better and it has more to offer than this one negative incident that just happened to me.
And here I am today, building my dreams and hopes again. I am studying counselling for my higher education, working with girls at orphanages, dreaming big for a beautiful future. More than anything, I found a person who genuinely LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM!
Life is crazy! Yes, it's true that it's hard forgetting and letting go. I understand that. But I had hope, a little hope the size of a mustard seed, which changed me. You’ve got to realize that there are people who will be there for you. Who will dream with you and for you. Life is worth giving a small chance even if you don’t feel like living. You may be the reason that ONE SINGLE PERSON SMILES. Therefore, never give up, keep moving forward. I tell you, Life is beautiful, maybe one day you will be happy, just the way you wanted. Trust me! I was there once.
This blog showcase stories, experiences and poems of brave individuals who were willing to share their creative personal thoughts in the hopes of helping another one in need...